Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
