Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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