If i come over, it means nothing
I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
