I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
