I think my vagina is haunted
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
