I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
