why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
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I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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