I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
