come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
