I'm so fucking centered right now
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
