Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
