My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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