I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
