My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
