If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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