i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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