I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
