woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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