you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
