sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
