Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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