I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
