Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
