Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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