I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
