My nipple is on Facebook.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
