Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
