sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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