he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
