i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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