The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
