man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
