My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
