I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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