Me too!
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
