how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
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You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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