my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
