thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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