found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
