please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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