If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
