are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
