You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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