I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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