Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
