I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
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It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize