You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's the barista slut.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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