another moral hangover. fuck.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
