Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night