I faked an abortion last night.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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