from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
