Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.