i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
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Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.