Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
