he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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