your room smells of hookers.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone