Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
